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Author Topic: Has anyone's marriage fallen apart during this process?  (Read 3673 times)

waitsince08

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Has anyone's marriage fallen apart during this process?
« on: December 09, 2010, 12:55:11 pm »
I just wanted to know, because I feel like mine is.  I just want to die at this point.

redrum509

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Re: Has anyone's marriage fallen apart during this process?
« Reply #1 on: December 09, 2010, 02:11:35 pm »
No. I fully support my wife and have been with her through the whole process. I can see how the disability processes can take a toll on a marriage though.

Mousey

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Re: Has anyone's marriage fallen apart during this process?
« Reply #2 on: December 09, 2010, 10:31:06 pm »
Wait..I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. Have you talked to your significant other about how you are feeling ??? If you hadn't maybe that would help both of you, to get everything you both are feeling out in the open. This is the time in your life that you need the full support of your family. As rough as it gets going through filing for SSDI and dealing with your health issues, your marriage has to be first and foremost. My heart aches for you and all that you are going through. Please don't give up. Keep pushing yourself and talk to someone whom you feel comfortable talking with. And I will be here anytime you need to talk. Just give me a shout. Send me message, we'll talk privately. Whatever you need. Ok. I honestly do care. And I want to help in any way I can. Sending you a BIG (((((((hug)))))))) AND LOTS OF LOVE!!  :)

****Mousey****

waitsince08

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Re: Has anyone's marriage fallen apart during this process?
« Reply #3 on: December 09, 2010, 11:26:30 pm »
thank you.  part of the problem is that he is bipolar and just blurts out things.  i'm fat, I'm a retard, i'm lazy, etc.  but when i hear him on the phone with other people, he speaks well of me, so it doesn't make sense.  i talk about it alot with my therapist.

Dragon Fly

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Re: Has anyone's marriage fallen apart during this process?
« Reply #4 on: December 09, 2010, 11:54:01 pm »
Waitsince....I am so sorry. All I can say is that I understand on so many levels. I am not married, but have been with my BF for 5 years and we just moved in together. This process is not pretty, there are no answers, it makes us doubt ourselves, feel less than, worry, fear, etc...it is no wonder why we who are going through it often feel alone. On the other hand, the person who loves you watching you go through it is impacted, doesn't always understand, sees beyond the pain or disability, or sometimes forgets about it, and it can be painful in all sorts of ways, intended or unintended. I am lucky, my partner is very supportive. But, now that we have moved in together (we basically moved in together because I can't work) it is very strange so far. I feel like a barnacle. But he doesn't understand why. I feel low. And it comes out in ways I don't intend. Lots of chances for miscommunication!

On the other hand, someone who loves you really has no right to call you awful names, demean you or make you feel any worse than you already do. And then to change tunes when speaking to others, it's not only confusing, but very unsteady, unpredictable. When we are already trapped by our disability, I can see it would be even worse to have mixed signals like that.

Number one, take care of yourself. You are all you've got in the end. If you find love along the way, awesome. But you have to love yourself. I know it sounds cliche, and there is a reason cliches are repeated over and over. They are true! Keep your head up and believe in yourself. Remember that when we feel bad inside we also feel bad physically. It's a vicious cycle.

I so hope that you are treated well...and please remember there are people here who totally understand. Never give up.

Love,
>;<
Dragon Fly

"And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music." --  Friedrich Nietzsche

se0269

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Re: Has anyone's marriage fallen apart during this process?
« Reply #5 on: December 10, 2010, 03:10:40 am »
Waitsince08,
        Going through the Social Security Disability process put such a strain on my wife that she had several meltdowns. I realized that my dying which I really really at one point seriously thought through and decided that anything along that line is too cruel for the loved ones that have to continue on this planet. I realized that my mental state as well as physical being were going down hill anyway so thinking it through I realized and I hope you come to the same conclusion: It was easier on everyone for the SSA to put those issues in their pipe and smoke those issues into my disability claim, which was successful.  While going through a SSA Disability claim its makes the claimant feel hopeless and I learned to stay away from individuals that did not have a positive attitude, because as I learned the hard way that most people treat us differently until our claim is approved. Stealing from Suzy Ormond and I never once faltered from her theory being: People first, then money  and then things. If a person can not follow that format I want them as far away from me as possible. So my wife and family was first and I did not care about anything else. Money was gone I knew if I still had family money would come back. I lost a lot of things and I got even nicer things back. You deserve your place on this earth just like anyone else and you are one of the most valuable resources on this planet-a human being, So please don't kick yourself you are just a good person that had a bad thing to happen to you.  This process should not interfere with a marriage, but the fear of the process destroying a marriage can destroy a marriage.  I can remember playing paper scissors rock with my wife and we enjoyed it. I did not know how to play dominoes, but I learned. We learned to have fun without spending money when I was no longer able to work. 

Kittyholic

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Re: Has anyone's marriage fallen apart during this process?
« Reply #6 on: December 10, 2010, 04:42:01 am »
Waitsince08:

I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. It breaks my heart to know that you worry about your marriage, when you have so much to worry about already. I have a very supportive husband, but there are still times I feel worthless. Not because of anything he has said or done, but because of things I am unable to do. It is hard to feel you aren’t contributing your part to a marriage.

Going through this entire process is very demeaning. I know I began to feel like a second class citizen. I withdrew from my good friends, because without work, I just felt like I had no worth. And, like so many others here have said, it is easy to project our own insecurities onto those around us – and even more so our spouses, since they are near us day to day.

That being said, I agree with Dragon Fly, the names your husband has called you are cruel. I suspect it is his own insecurities rising to the surface that is causing him to do so, but he needs to be made aware how hurtful he has been. You mentioned you see a therapist. Have you considered asking your husband to accompany you? You don’t need to call it marriage counseling. Simply tell him that you would like his support, and it would mean a lot to you if he came with you for a couple of visits. You might find it easier to tell him what you are feeling with your therapist as an intermediary you trust.

Considering he speaks well of you with other people, it sounds like he does care enough that he might be willing to go with you to a couple of visits.

And, please pop in each day to let us know how you are doing, feeling, needing… We care. You are one of our own, and when you hurt, we do as well.

I am holding you in my thoughts,
Pati


The best way to pay for a lovely moment is to enjoy it. (Richard Bach)

Mousey

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Re: Has anyone's marriage fallen apart during this process?
« Reply #7 on: December 10, 2010, 07:27:29 am »
Waitsince08. My hopes are that you are feeling some better today. I'm glad that you have a therapist that you are seeing. Pati is right, see if you can get him to go with you. But if he's like my hubby which thinks they can handle their own problems without bringing in a insider it may be hard to get him to go. Abuse is awful no matter if it is physical or mental. No person female, male, children ANYONE should have to endure abuse. Even if he is bipolar or not, he should not be demeaning you. Does he see a Psychiatrist for his bipolar? It sounds like he may need a adjust to his meds. Some therapy.

My Grandfather was bipolar and my mom lived in fear everyday of her life. Back then they didn't have all these meds to help people like they do now. I think how different my mom's life would have been if Grandpa had help (psychiatrist) and a chance to try some of these newer meds out there.

Hang in their Waitsince08. Dragon Fly is so so right. You have to think about YOU, first and foremost. Because when it's all said and done, in the end you is all you have. You are a wonderful, special  and beautiful person. I have read many of your post on here and the compassion that you show people should be returned to you each and everyday. We all think you are special and don't ever forget that.

Wrapping my arms around you with a big HUG!

****Mousey****

mfd

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Re: Has anyone's marriage fallen apart during this process?
« Reply #8 on: December 10, 2010, 10:02:42 am »
Waitsince08:

I'm so sorry to hear of your situation. Life has a way of stretching us to the limits. I went through your past posts to get to know you better (I'm relatively new here).

This is just my humble opinion and I'm looking at this from a mans point of view. I in no way condone your husbands behavior of demeaning you and hope that he takes the advise of others and accompany you to your theripist. I can understand his frustration at the same time in the sense that this time in your life is stretching you both. You've worked for 30 yrs contributing to the household and that is gone know. He's just as scared as you are. This is not fun. Add a 13 yr old, (step, biogical, boy or girl), your disabilities, his shortcomings, life in general, shake it all up and you have a mess called life.
 
For me, as a man, husband and father, I consider myself to be responsible for my family as the head of the house. Not in a chauvenalistic way, but as a mother bear protecting her cubs. When something threatens that dynamic, we-all of us- react in ways that are ingrained along this short jorney on earth. Your husband seems to be reacting in the only way he knows.

I see in your past posts that you are a praying woman. IMHO this is where your answer lies. God has given all of us the opportunity to change. I say that to encourage you not to give up. For me, the more I learn of Him and His ways, the more I understand others and their ways. The more sense this mess called life makes. I pray that HOPE rises up in you.
I'm available to PM off line if you wish.

Mike
For I know the plans I have for you......Jeremiah 29:11-14

Mousey

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Re: Has anyone's marriage fallen apart during this process?
« Reply #9 on: December 10, 2010, 12:29:53 pm »
Mike, what a wonderful post. I am already seeing what a wonderful man you are. Just to take the time to read past post to get to know someone shows how much of a caring guy you are. Also it's good to have a man's point of view on all the threads. Us women tend to have the gift of gab sometimes..LOL

I totally agree with everything you said. As hard as this process is on us ladies, I think at most times it's much harder on the men. For the reasons you stated, being head of the household etc. I know with my hubby, he has had a hard time accepting the fact that he cannot no longer work. Just the not working part is eating him up. So I for sure can see both sides.

Waitsince08, you see, so many here care about you in more ways than you could ever guess. Please, hope to hear from you soon.  :)

****Mousey****

myaccount

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Re: Has anyone's marriage fallen apart during this process?
« Reply #10 on: December 10, 2010, 12:42:35 pm »
He's just as scared as you are. This is not fun. Add a 13 yr old, (step, biogical, boy or girl), your disabilities, his shortcomings, life in general, shake it all up and you have a mess called life.

Mmmmm ... as someone with bipolar disorder myself, I think his "shortcomings" may be better defined as an "illness" or "disability".

I don't have the "blurting out" problem that some people with bipolar have (thank goodness) - it seems to be more common in people who have more problems with mania whereas I have always had more problems with depression. That being said, I certainly hope he's on meds (and compliant with them) and also getting therapy if it's appropriate. It doesn't sound like his illness is well-controlled at this point. (But of course, mine isn't either, and that's certainly not for lack of trying on my part. :'()
« Last Edit: December 10, 2010, 07:47:22 pm by SSDAdmin »

waitsince08

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Re: Has anyone's marriage fallen apart during this process?
« Reply #11 on: December 10, 2010, 04:21:00 pm »
I knew there was a reason i was here besides gathering information.  You people are so wonderful, and it warms my heart.  I am praying alot and i will continue reading here and getting everyone's advice, in between naps that is.  love ya all.

se0269

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Re: Has anyone's marriage fallen apart during this process?
« Reply #12 on: December 10, 2010, 09:59:36 pm »
Waitsince08,

Mike put into words exactly the way I feel as a man. I did not care about  dignity what people thought of me or anything else that did not include my wife. My wife felt worthless because she could not help our financial crisis, and she receives SSDI. I always did my best to keep things positive with my wife. My wife is over weight and she has lost some weight, which my only concern with her weight is her health. During my long battle my wife went bald, and my wife felt bad about it but it made no difference to me. My wife's hair came back beautiful and long and at that point we were financially strapped and when I my wife's hair dress started the "if you ain't got nothing, you ain't about nothing" routine I doubled my medication and with pains so bad I could not breath, I permed, dyed and anything else to make sure my wife had a beautiful head of hair, without my wife having to beg her hairdresser who makes more money than a corporate executive without paying taxes. If it came down to losing my SSA benefits or my wife, the SSA benefits would be gone. Your situation sounds bad in that it seems you are really a disabled caregiver trying to help your husband and fight the SSA for your benefits. I love my wife unconditionally, but that did not come over night. On most occasions if people are fortunate husbands and wives fall in and out of love, and what counts is not the race, but the finish. If you get nothing out of what I have written please get this: When you are awarded the benefits that we are praying for you to get, you will be drop dead gorgeous to everyone.   

Dragon Fly

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Re: Has anyone's marriage fallen apart during this process?
« Reply #13 on: December 11, 2010, 01:03:46 am »
This thread has totally touched my heart in ways I can not articulate. This is a ***Warning*** of a serious subject.

As someone who has contemplated suicide many times, I have also had friends who have gone through with it and the results are devastating for all concerned. I had an assistant when I was working in advertising, he was in his late forties and had a teenage son. One day, it was a Tuesday morning Dec 5th to be exact, he came into my office, took my hands in his and said "Ti, I am very sorry if I've ever disappointed you." Then he left and only hours later jumped off a bridge into flowing traffic. He survived. But his bones had turned to powder from the impact. He was on life support for 3 days and then taken off.

He was very dear to me. We had a lot in common, and I would tell him anything. When I went to go visit him in the ICU, he was on life support and in a coma. I promised this amazing, gorgeous, bright creative and loving man, that I would never try to kill myself again.

Since then it had crossed my mind only rarely. That is, until the disability, loss of mobility, loss of work ability, etc...I feel as though I have become a shell of my former self. I look at old pictures and hardly recognize that woman. Today, I am struggling to stay at half mast. I feel like I have lost a huge chunk of myself. And sometimes I just get so tired of needing help all the time.

Waitsince08...it is important to listen with an open heart to the words of the wonderful men on here. There is something to be said for a man feeling helpless. My boyfriend doesn't mean to, or doesn't realize, when he's putting me down sometimes. A little put down that in the past would have ben rallied by a fiery retort from me, now is met with instant pangs of suspicion, embarrassment, feeling less than. Many times I can get hurt by something that had nothing to do with me at all!

I believe that God has given me this disability for a reason. There are many, that I won't go into right now. But I invite you to reflect on what positive things have occurred since the disability. Have you slowed down when you used to go too fast? Have you noticed others who are "worse off" than you walking around with smiles on their faces? Have you met someone who made you feel "normal" again? Have you found something to laugh about...a way to take a different look at life's cross and see it as a pathway to a better place of growth? These are some of the questions I try to ask myself. Is there someone worse off than me? Can I maybe help someone who is feeling more depressed than me, give them a call, make them laugh? Can I read a book about climbing Mount Everest and use my imagination to feel, hear, feel, smell, see the mountain? Is there something I can do for my partner to make him feel more at ease? Am I being a martyr? How can I be more loving to myself today?

These are just some things to think about. You know we love you and you are not allowed to leave. In the grand scheme of things, this is a pathway to a better understanding of who you are.

xoxoxoxoxox,
>;<
Dragon Fly
"And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music." --  Friedrich Nietzsche

Kittyholic

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Re: Has anyone's marriage fallen apart during this process?
« Reply #14 on: December 11, 2010, 04:41:47 am »

Dragon Fly fluttered 'round my head and whispered in my ear. Her words have warmed my heart, and her wings have brushed my soul.

Beautiful >;<
The best way to pay for a lovely moment is to enjoy it. (Richard Bach)