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Author Topic: Holidays and Depression  (Read 1676 times)

Mousey

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Holidays and Depression
« on: December 08, 2010, 03:42:34 am »
As the holidays are here I find myself becoming more depressed at times. Why you might ask. For me the reminders that I cannot shop like I use to, cook and bake like I use to. Enjoy getting out and going to parties. All of these and more just thinking about them tend to bring on depression for many.

For our family, we have lost so many members to death that we are down to only 5 of us that get together anymore. My mom, hubby, daughter, sister in law and myself. Everyone else is gone. So sad. The one good thing this year at Christmas, my daughter is having it at her new house and is so excited, it's her first Christmas on her own. She's decorated and I bought her a tree. So were having it at her house. A change from always being at mine might do me good. So no tree or decorations here this year. Not able to anyways.
 
If any of you find yourself feeling, blue, down or depressed, please reach out, we can all hold on to each other and get through the holidays together. Just remember you are not alone. Holidays are hard on a lot of people. Especially people who are already fighting a psychological disorder.

But I will say, Happy Holidays and a Merry Christmas to all my SSDFACTS friends.
Bless each and everyone of you.  :(

****Mousey****

se0269

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Re: Holidays and Depression
« Reply #1 on: December 08, 2010, 10:56:22 am »
Mousey,
      I found out that the holidays all except Thanksgiving are a downer for me. Thanks giving is the day that I am so locked on to our maker for everything that's been done for me that I enjoy that holiday. I do a lot of trivia with my brother and he asked me "Why is Christmas so rough and creates so much depression? I could not come with the anwser-which was Christmas creates a lot depression because Christmas forces a person to realize all of the family and other loved ones that have passed. I had a brother that was born on Christimas and he overdosed so every Christmas that is information is blocked out because I am mentioned it now but I the information about my brother born on Christmas and my brother that was kidnapped and murdered as well as the other tragedies in my family. I have made it a point to put this type of information in a vault in my mind and to close it. I understand that some members can't stop memories from being right on top. I think it is normal for people to be depressed, but if I was not able to compartmentalize some events in my life I would not be able to function.  And what used to be seven brothers , four sisters and a Mother and a father has been whittled down to four brothers and three sisters. I don't know how I was able to lock my memory, but I did it. My Mother passed in the last four years and I have been very selfish about my Mother. It is time to say the prayer that asks  God to allow my Mother to be with God , but I have not said the prayer, because I have not had a chance to grieve her passing. But it appears I will soon have the strength to say the prayer because this post has allowed me to open the vault that I have the memories of my Mother, which is going to be rough, but I am going to do it. Thanks for bringing the topic up.

Dragon Fly

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Re: Holidays and Depression
« Reply #2 on: December 08, 2010, 02:50:33 pm »
Rallen, I have missed you. I really applaud you for sharing this with us. To relate, my boyfriend's mom died suddenly when he was away on a trip to Europe at the age of 24, a couple of days before his birthday. He called home and they told him no need to come home, she's fine, but she died before he returned. He is now coming up on 50, and he has yet to emote about losing his mother. It is like a secret topic. And he dreads his birthday. It took about 4 years for him to finally show me her picture. She died of breast cancer. So in her honor I walked the Avon Walk for Breast Cancer. 39.3 miles. It was my way of thanking her for bringing her son into this world. I find that when he's ready little bits of information come out and I cherish each and every one of them. Also, my mom's brother (my uncle) was murdered when he was 27. He was stabbed dozens of times and left stuffed in a barrel in San Francisco. This was right in the middle of the Son of Sam investigations, and so the police did not pay attention. I grew up not knowing I even had an uncle, because after he was killed, my grandmother went into a psychotic break down. They (my mom and sisters) were told to never speak of him and it basically was shoved away like he never existed. Again, over time, I have finally come to know and cherish the uncle I do not remember. It has taken many years for his name to even be uttered.

The holidays are rough for sooooo many reasons. Especially because it brings up a wave of emotions not many of us like to experience. I myself used food and alcohol to "compartmentalize" tragedies and trauma. It was how I numbed away the thoughts and memories. It has taken a long long time for a tiny little crack in that door to open. Now, disabled, like Mousey said it brings up all the things I can't do. And I don't have money to buy presents. My future is a big question mark. So the holiDAZE are a time for me to remember just what I do have.

I have a poem I wrote about a dungeon. It's still packed away in a box. The gist is, a little dragon was born in a dungeon. Wet, dark, smelly. She grew up in there. As she matured she would feel around in the dark and she found there were stairs. She would go up, down, up down up down the stairs, one little step at a time. Until she reaches the door. It's locked. She goes back down and cowers in the wet darkness she has called home. Years pass. She never goes back up those stairs. The door is locked. Why bother? A few years pass and she ventures up the stairs again, scraping her knees and getting cuts along the way. She tries the door. Locked. She crawls back down and decides to die. Suddenly she feels something in her pocket. It's a key. She realizes it's the key for the door, but she chooses her old familiar dungeon home. When she finally does go back up the stairs, tries the key...it opens. Light blinds her. She should be jumping for joy. Freedom at last. Her life can begin. But she is horrified by the light. She is terrified of the outside world. She slams the door and tosses the key to the bottom of the steps. I don't know how to live out there. This is my home. More time passes, she has cracked the door wider and wider. Her eyes are adjusting to the light. Until, one day, a man comes along and smiles at her from outside. He beckons for her to come out. She smiles back and says no, this is where I'm most at ease. The Magician coaxes her out little by little. He listens to her stories and does not judge her. She has become a big girl dragon now and she shares her pain with him. But he does not leave her side. When the day finally comes...the Magician and the Dragon close the door to the dungeon. They stand together in silence, feeling the sunlight on their cheeks. She turns to him and gives him the key. He kisses her on the cheek. She is ready. The light isn't so scary anymore. Then he pats her on the back and whispers, "Fly, Dragon, Fly."

And so she does. >;<..........................

Rallen, when you feel a little breeze pass by your ear...that is me flying by, just to remind you that the key is in your pocket, too.

xoxoxoxox,
>;<
Dragon Fly
"And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music." --  Friedrich Nietzsche

Mousey

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Re: Holidays and Depression
« Reply #3 on: December 08, 2010, 07:24:47 pm »
Rallen, I am so very touched by your story. I'm so proud of you that you were able to open up to your dear friends here. I've always been a firm believer that you should never judge a person until you have walked a mile in their shoes. And Rallen I couldn't even begin to have the fight in me as you do to walk the path that you have been given. Thank you so much for sharing your story. I'm proud to call you my friend.  :)

Dragon Fly. I just love your story. You have a wonderful talent for writing. It touched my heart very much. Have you ever thought about writing children's books. You should consider it. I hope I hear that buzzing sound go by my ears one day, and I will say, That's my good friend Dragon Fly.  :)

****Mousey****

Trajector Media

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Re: Holidays and Depression
« Reply #4 on: December 08, 2010, 08:22:16 pm »
There should be no doubt in anyone's mind why Mousey and Dragon Fly were chosen to moderate this section of the forum.  Thank you both for your compassion and willingness to share.  I am eternally grateful. 

Rallen,
      Your post is the reason this section of the forum was started.  We wanted to provide a safe place for people to share their experiences and support one another.  Your strength and honesty has helped more people then you know, myself included.  I think when we lose someone close to us the immediate reaction is to close down.  Everything that happens in your life from that point on is never the same.  The good things are not as good because you cannot share them with that person and the bad things seem worse without their support to guide you through it.  It is only by opening up and sharing your loss can you begin to heal.  Thank you for trusting us and giving strength to those that might need it during this holiday season.
Marci
I speak from experience not expertise.

Mousey

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Re: Holidays and Depression
« Reply #5 on: December 08, 2010, 09:25:57 pm »
Marci, Thank you for your faith in Dragon Fly and myself. It makes my heart swell with you kind words and thoughts. Thank you very much.  :-*

****Mousey****

Dragon Fly

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Re: Holidays and Depression
« Reply #6 on: December 09, 2010, 12:17:17 am »
Mousey, yes...one of my "dreams" is to write children's books but I don't even know where to start. I spent so many years not doing the things I love, and just "getting through the day" at various jobs to pay bills. One thing I believe is that this whole bus accident, disability etc was the man upstairs...kicking the legs out from under me to make me stop and listen.

And echo to Marci about putting your faith in us.  :-* :-* :-* :-*

xoxoxox,
>;<
"And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music." --  Friedrich Nietzsche