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Author Topic: My life is forever changed because of my illness  (Read 23884 times)

Dragon Fly

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Re: My life is forever changed because of my illness
« Reply #105 on: March 05, 2011, 10:21:01 pm »
Boo....I remember when I was sent to therapy the first time, i was also 14 or 15 years old. And I did NOT want to be there....and for several years, I would go for a couple times as I changed locations or jobs or whatever but I never was honest...it is so amazing now at 37 to finally be truthful to my therapist, and not have to cover anything up, and to know she's is starting to know the "real" story and the whole story...where as most other doctors just got tid bits...

That is the sweetest story of how your hubby picked you up for that second flight. Love it!!! I don't think my BF could pick me up...but he probably would if he could. We are very lucky to have this kind of love in our lives.

xo
>;<
Dragon Fly
"And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music." --  Friedrich Nietzsche

BooBerrY

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Re: My life is forever changed because of my illness
« Reply #106 on: March 05, 2011, 11:42:41 pm »
Boo....I remember when I was sent to therapy the first time, i was also 14 or 15 years old. And I did NOT want to be there....and for several years, I would go for a couple times as I changed locations or jobs or whatever but I never was honest...it is so amazing now at 37 to finally be truthful to my therapist, and not have to cover anything up, and to know she's is starting to know the "real" story and the whole story...where as most other doctors just got tid bits...

That is the sweetest story of how your hubby picked you up for that second flight. Love it!!! I don't think my BF could pick me up...but he probably would if he could. We are very lucky to have this kind of love in our lives.

xo
>;<
Dragon Fly
The very first time is always so hard, especially with a new person, assuming you have a LONG history like i most likely do, you kinda get sick of having to repeat yourself. My first time i was 4 and i went for 10 years after that.

I do remember one specific time i actually really tried to communicate was when i was about 12 or 13? i was about to tell my therapist about my foster father molesting me but i couldn't because i was too scared i'd get sent away into a home, i can't even imagine where i'd be if i actually told them the truth about everything. It was a very hard and scary thing. I could use some therapy now though HA. >.<

Dragon Fly

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Re: My life is forever changed because of my illness
« Reply #107 on: March 06, 2011, 04:33:38 pm »
Well, it appears to me you've come out to be a beautiful, thoughtful, caring young woman who has a loving partner and an amazing spirit of a fighter...so, yes, definitely pursue some therapy now, as you are much more mature and able to process some of the things that come up. And guess what, when they come up they usually....let go....I held mine in for decades and used (bulimia) and alcohol to numb, purge, numb purge numb.....but I was never quite "ready" to talk about things until this past year. Funny how it wasn't until I was 1) disabled and forced to slow down and deal and 2) sober. I did however want to believe that perhaps if I released all my inner demons, my back would magically get better. Ahhh, but alas, it's not going away after all. But I'll keep trying to heal, inside and out.

Wings,
>;<
« Last Edit: March 07, 2011, 12:44:26 am by Dragon Fly »
"And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music." --  Friedrich Nietzsche

Trajector Media

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Re: My life is forever changed because of my illness
« Reply #108 on: March 06, 2011, 05:34:38 pm »
Dragon Fly,
     What an amazing soul you are.  The beauty of your history is your ability to relate to people.  You always say just the right things and I know they come from the heart.

Boo,
     I am truly sorry for what you experienced.  No child should ever have to go through something like that.  Dragon Fly is right, you turned out quite well and no matter how long it has been, it always helps to talk about it.
Marci
I speak from experience not expertise.

BooBerrY

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Re: My life is forever changed because of my illness
« Reply #109 on: March 06, 2011, 07:13:19 pm »
Well, it appears to me you've come out to be a beautiful, thoughtful, caring young woman who has a loving partner and an amazing spirit of a fighter...so, yes, definitely pursue some therapy now, as you are much more mature and able to process some of the things that come up. And guess what, when they come up they usually....let go....I held mine in for decades and used (bulimia) and alcohol to numb, purge, numb purge numb.....but I was never quite "ready" to talk about things until this past year. Funny how it wasn't until I was 1) disabled and forced to slow down and deal and 2) sober. I did however want to believe that perhaps if I released all my inner demons, my back would magically get better. Ahhh, nut alas, it's not going away after all. But I'll keep trying to heal, inside and out.

Wings,
>;<

Thank you  :'( It's always nice to hear that. I do try to be a good person now and make up for the lost time when i went through my bad phase. I know what you mean with the avoiding it. I called it self destruction. Those scars are still there to prove it but they are fading now, which i see as a good thing because when i used to cut all the time the scars where always bright and fresh but now since they are fading its like the bad is fading with it and they are becoming distant memories. Guess this is what they call facing the musicz haha

Dragon Fly,
     What an amazing soul you are.  The beauty of your history is your ability to relate to people.  You always say just the right things and I know they come from the heart.

Boo,
     I am truly sorry for what you experienced.  No child should ever have to go through something like that.  Dragon Fly is right, you turned out quite well and no matter how long it has been, it always helps to talk about it.
Marci

I know right Marci! I <3 Dragon she's so amazing, and i'm glad she as well as others are a part of my everyday. Some of the best friends i've had in well, ever.

I wish i could say i was sorry for what i've gone through but i can't say that i am. It's not something i could have changed or something that could have been avoided. Not at that age atleast (7-13). I try and use it as life experience if that makes sense? I try and make it make me a better person, rather then letting it destroy me. I have enough bad things going on i can't let it drag me down any further. I gotta keep my nose out of the water !! hahaha


<33

Dragon Fly

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Re: My life is forever changed because of my illness
« Reply #110 on: March 06, 2011, 10:28:26 pm »
Yay! Glad to hear that the scars are fading...I can relate to cutting as well... a LOT.

What's so amazing about scars themselves is that they heal from the inside out. The body gets a cut, and the healing starts form within, fading the cut, scabbing it over, and renewing the skin underneath to reveal fresh new skin.

I like to think that emotional scars are just the same. You can throw all the therapy, self help, outside possessions, etc that you want at yourself but there will be no healing until you look within, reflect, allow, release...and breathe.

FEAR.

F.ace, F.orgive, F.orget
E.verything
A.nd
R.oar! R.elease! R.eclaim!

>;<

"And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music." --  Friedrich Nietzsche

Trajector Media

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Re: My life is forever changed because of my illness
« Reply #111 on: March 06, 2011, 10:53:32 pm »
I heard it said once...Tattoos have meaning but scars have stories. 
I speak from experience not expertise.

MSTDM67

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Re: My life is forever changed because of my illness
« Reply #112 on: March 06, 2011, 11:15:54 pm »
MARCI, I TOTALLY AGREE!

DRAGONFLY, YOU NEVER SEASE TO AMAZE ME WITH WHAT YOU HAVE TO SAY AND HOW WELL YOU SAY IT!!!!

 :'( :'( :'( :'(
SORRY YALL BUT I AM HAVING ONE OF MY EMOTIONAL ROLLER COASTER DAYS!

EVERY GOOD THING BEING SAID JUST BRINGS GREAT JOY TO KNOW PEOPLE LIKE YOU ALL

Dragon Fly

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Re: My life is forever changed because of my illness
« Reply #113 on: March 06, 2011, 11:28:47 pm »
Is it raining or are those Toni's tears of joy I hear??

xoxoxoxooxxooxox
>;<
"And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music." --  Friedrich Nietzsche

Dragon Fly

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Re: My life is forever changed because of my illness
« Reply #114 on: March 06, 2011, 11:33:58 pm »
Awesome saying, Marci! They do tell stories. I remember in college writing a paper on a "tree of scars" that was on a female slave's back...I so wish I would have saved it. I threw everything away. (I was a runner, running from life, running from past, running to the next lily pad). It was one of the only papers I got an A+ on. My teacher could not understand how I understood it so well and wrote about the story that the tree of scars on her back told. I had a deep interest in African American history and an affinity for slaves and what they went through. I hate typing that word but couldn't come up with a PC one for it's place. Toni Morrison and Mayay Angelou, my favorites...I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings....my absolute favorite...

xxoxoox
>;<
"And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music." --  Friedrich Nietzsche

MSTDM67

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Re: My life is forever changed because of my illness
« Reply #115 on: March 06, 2011, 11:59:59 pm »
You right Dragonfly those are my tears of joys, I cant seem to turn the waterworks off tonight.  It's amazing we have so much in common. Toni Morrison and Maya Angelout's are my two of my favorites. I guess I will go wash my face now and go to bed so it can stop raining.

Dragon Fly

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Re: My life is forever changed because of my illness
« Reply #116 on: March 07, 2011, 12:45:55 am »
Yeah but the best part is that's when the sun comes out. :)

Love love love love love that you love Toni and Maya.

>;<
"And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music." --  Friedrich Nietzsche

BooBerrY

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Re: My life is forever changed because of my illness
« Reply #117 on: March 20, 2011, 12:55:26 pm »
Update:

Sorry i haven't been around much lately. I have alot going on as you can imagine. The other day i slept for like 16 hours? Couldn't get out of bed. Everytime i did, my vision like went out, felt like i was blacking out.Was strange. Now i have to deal with the fact my pain meds, for sometime now, are no longer working for me. Having so much trouble sleeping again. This was supposed to be my "life" like plan from my primary. "Pain Management" rather then surgery. My "Plan" has barely lasted a few short months. I'm at the point of now whats. My primary doctor office, although helpful, is also very i guess you can say "ghetto". I don't live in a good place, it's high in crime, gangs, drugs..ext. They don't prescribe any kind of opiate meds. A doctor i saw actually got in trouble for prescribing me Tylenol 3..simply because it has "codene" in it.

I'm just really upset and not really sure what im supposed to do now.

I feel pretty lost and confused ???

Trajector Media

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Re: My life is forever changed because of my illness
« Reply #118 on: March 20, 2011, 01:25:28 pm »
Boo,
     It is good to see you.  We were getting worried about you.  Have you been to see a doctor about what is going on?  It doesn't sound like the kind of thing you want to ignore.  I would not settle for a doctor you are not comfortable with.  I forgot, did you have any insurance at all?  If not are their other clinics in the area that you can visit?  Many have walk in appointments for emergencies.  If that doesn't work, you should go to your local hospital.  They have to see you and can not turn you away.  Please keep in touch, we are worried.
Marci
I speak from experience not expertise.

BooBerrY

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Re: My life is forever changed because of my illness
« Reply #119 on: March 20, 2011, 01:36:46 pm »
Heya, hope i didn't worry you guys too much.

I haven't seen any doctors aside from my primary, and the 2 surgeons. I agree, but it's so hard to get up to keep going to the doctor just to hear more and more bad news. This alone isn't even the only health issue i have that needs attention.. :/ I've put my never ending "female part" infections on the back burner for now. Which is really hard. No matter what i do i'm always sick, and i hate it.

For insurance i have about 6 months until my state provided "medical" runs out aka when i turn 21. So i have 6 months to get all this in order before i'm basically screwed. Another thing that's hard to deal with knowing i can't just go to the doctor or ER, like i'm constantly doing, i have quite a few ER/Medical debts from before i had insurance...so i know how expensive it is.

My insurance company had mailed me to remind me that ER visits are for emergencies only and to try and go as little as possible (that's how often i've been in and out since i've had their insurance)

I'm not quite sure what i would do if i walked into the hospital, i don't think that would really get me anywhere, other then 6 hours in a bed, with bitchy nurses, and an annoyed staff, and a bottle of Vicodin.

I'm just overall scared, because i've already been told ive had so many bladder/urinary tract infections i'm about out of meds to treat them..

Just really worried.