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Author Topic: SJ--Appts, Meds, and what makes me feel better  (Read 9790 times)

SJ

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Re: SJ--Appts, Meds, and what makes me feel better
« Reply #30 on: February 02, 2014, 11:46:34 am »
I feel groggy from my psych meds today. I am slowly getting with it. I am having a coffee shake, it is like a Kelloggs protein shake or something. It is good. Anyways, trying to be healthy.
For sure going to the movie today. Going to see I, Frankenstein. In 3D! Should be sweet.
I have major anxiety about my group therapy, and about a couple people there that are making me feel very nervous. I don't know how to deal with my feelings and just want to keep it inside and avoid conflict. But I feel like I am not going to get anything out of it or be able to contribute or share if I just sit there and have panic attacks. Just not sure what to do right now. I guess that happens a lot, where I don't know what to do. I get confused. I already feel anxious about leaving the cabin, and I feel panicky to go there, and when I get there, everyone is talking at the same time, it is a mess of emotions.
I try to take my anxiety meds, but they a re not working, and have not worked in a long time, and am just telling my psych just now about it. I know, I should have done it before now. I see him Feb 10th and I hope to get on something else, that works for my anxiety attacks, because I am having them every day.
I had nightmares last night. I am paranoid that someone is out to get me. I think that is why I had a nightmare, I went to bed scared. I feel like someone is going to come in and get me. I have my door locked. I have a chair in front of the door at night. I am hallucinating that there are mice crawling in my pillows, so I cannot sleep very well. I have to try to tell myself that they are not there. But they ARE there, you know what I am sayin? My therapist is trying to tell me that they are NOT there. So I am trying to see it from where she is. I will get up, and turn on the light, check the pillow, and there are no mice in the pillow and it drives me nuts. Literally. Then I get racing thoughts, and I cannot sleep. So, I am not sure my anti psychotic med is working at all. They doubled it, and the other psych says it takes two weeks for it to kick in, and I said ok, so that means I have a few more days left. But you would think it would have started to work by now. I just don't know what to make of all of this.
I am back to seeing my therapist Dr Wight twice a week now, like before, I was going to see her once a week now and then we went back to twice a week right away, I started having problems right away. Anyways, that is what is up with me. I will let you know if the movie is any good. I am quite nervous about leaving the cabin. I was looking forward to it yesterday. But today I am having to talk myself into it.
Dr Wight and I are discussing Guilt in therapy. It is interesting, how much guilt plays into my life and where it comes from, my upbringing. Exactly who used guilt on me, who still does, and why I feel guilty myself. I carry it around about this or that, and beat myself up. I would feel so much better if I would not do that. So that is the next chapter of what we are going to work on, letting go of the guilt. It will be difficult, as a certain person is still using guilt against me all the time. We will see how it all plays out.
Anyways! Have a wonderful day! I am going to have popcorn and a Coke at the theatre during my movie. I know it is expensive, but Dad is probably going to pay for it. He is good about covering for stuff like that when we go out.
What I miss doing what we used to do when I was working, was we would go to the casino, it is like I don't know... 45 minutes or half hour from my cabin. But I don't have the money to go now. I am sure I could go with mom and dad for my birthday if they gave me birthday money and we went to the buffet. That would be a special treat.
OK time to get ready to rock and roll as I like to say.

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You can say it, but then you have to say T.S. Eliot after it.

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SJ

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Re: SJ--Appts, Meds, and what makes me feel better
« Reply #31 on: February 03, 2014, 09:27:08 am »
On hold 42 minutes with Medicaid, thought I would write to do something besides sit here. And listen to that piano music over and over and over. You know what I am talking about.

I went to see the movie yesterday, and between the restless legs in BOTH legs, and my back and head vibrating, I really could not enjoy the movie. I was so disappointed in myself. I was excited to get out of the cabin. And my parents went to another movie, different from mine, and I was the only one in my theatre, thank goodness, because I have to stomp my feet and constantly be moving around and standing and walking back and forth and swaying side to side and stretching my legs until I cannot stretch them anymore. Once I was still, the vibrating would start again. I am just glad no one was in there with me, I probably looked like I was about to lose it. And I was making a lot of noise. LOL Anyways, I was trying to keep up with the story and I think I tried, but my anxiety was so bad, I think it flew right over my head. But I think the special effects were sweet. I wish I could have enjoyed it more. I was sad I spent the money and couldn't enjoy it. Just had too much going on.

I had hallucinations last night, and about 50 little kittens were racing around my cabin, but wild ones, not cute little ones, but scary ones. They were all over my bed, and making a mess everywhere. I was freaking out because I could see and feel them everywhere. They were brushing against my head, I could feel it. I can feel them inside my bed. I could see them running around the floor and jumping off the bed.  So yeah, I am not sure if the change in meds is working yet. I will have to just practice patience.

I am looking forward to today, hoping it will be a better day. Just have to have a better outlook I think. I hope the restless leg meds work today. I cannot stand for that to happen again. It does not work every day, but how can I expect it to? I don't think every single med works EVERY day. And maybe our bodies get used to meds too.

I just talked to the counselor of group, and she put me at ease about the people at group that are making me anxious. She says we can all talk together about my concerns, and talk it through so the issues are out on the table. I think that would be good, because I am really not comfortable. It's like this one chic, she interrupts me when it is my turn to go and I really don't think that is cool at all. She already had her turn, it is my turn now. Dang! But it is not just about that, there is other stuff too. Just stuff. It will work itself out this week.

I am going to call my therapist to see if I can get in early, because of what happened last night. But I understand if it is booked up. It is very last min to be calling just now. Maybe I can just talk to her over the phone.

That is it from here! Hope every one is doing good this morning! Take Care, and I will catch up with ya'll later then!

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This love is silent. - T.S. Eliot

SJ

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Re: SJ--Appts, Meds, and what makes me feel better
« Reply #32 on: February 06, 2014, 01:09:04 pm »
Yah, so I went to therapy today, and guess what? my therapist is pregnant!!! I am really happy for her, it is a big time in her life, and then it set in that I will not see her for three months. I did not say anything like that, it would be so rude and selfish, you know? But she did, she says she has a concern for her patients and want to make sure they are being taken care of when she is on leave. So, I am going to see a therapist that I saw when I did this Light Box therapy I think it is called? She was very cool. I feel ok talking with her I guess. But I know it would not be the same. Do not get me wrong, I am so happy for her tho! She is awesome and totally deserves to be happy and pregnant! She says she just wants this one, cuz she already has one, so two kids is enough she says. So, I dunno. I guess I feel a little distraught about this summer when she will be gone. but I am really trying to not think about it right now. I just don't want to be like that. But if I cannot help it, I cannot help it. I am just trying to shove down whatever feelings I have right now and smile. I will deal later. I truly am happy for her though. She is awesome and should be so happy. She is such a good person. I really could not ask for a better Dr.

I am still hallucinating, but hanging in there. I just have to wait until Monday to see my psychiatrist, and he will know what to do.

I met with a gal at the county yesterday about Medicaid. Sounds like everything is in order, should just be a couple days and everything will be in the system, and then I will hear if I got approved. I think I can already tell if I am because I think I am. I already did everything they asked, and got all the correct forms and papers and letters and everything. There was something wrong yesterday but we fixed it today. So, all is good. I will be happy if I can get that and get off Obamacare. That will be sweet.

I have to prove to Medicaid that I spent this 17000 of my lump sum but I do have nine months to do so. Which is fine, I will make sure I have recpts for everything and it wont be a problem. I already paid some bills and have the cashiers checks and statements for those. So no problem. I just don't want any issue standing in the way of my getting Medicaid, as I can no longer afford this ObamaCare. I have been trying for Medicaid for a year. I can finally get it now. I am getting the Medicaid Purchase Pln, which says you have to work, but only a min of one hour a month, doing something for someone, I put down that I babysat my mom's dog. So that should be fine. She went out and I sat the dog for two hours and in exchange for food. So it does not increase my income. So that is what they tell me to do. They told me to have her write a letter than that I did this for her the past three months, in order for Medicaid to cover the last three months in bills. So I did and she signed it.

Ah well. we shall see what happens with everything. I just rely so much on talking with Dr Wight, you know? Man, it will be so weird to not talk with her. I hope that time goes by fast when she is gone.

I wonder if it a boy or a girl?  I see the neurologist tomorrow for my back. It is seriously making me go insane, more than I am sure people think I am. I am sure they will do an Xray at least to see something there.

Anyways, will update later...

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You can say it, but then you have to say T.S. Eliot after it.

This love is silent. - T.S. Eliot

SJ

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Re: SJ--Appts, Meds, and what makes me feel better
« Reply #33 on: February 06, 2014, 03:47:30 pm »
Just an update,

I think I found a place I can almost afford, it is a bit pricey, but I think it will be okay, and I think I can fit all my stuff in there too. I can get it all out of storage, and then maybe downsize, and have a garage sale at my mom's or something. I don't know, she says she can help. I do not know the first thing about doing that. So, here we go again with moving. I have to call everyone back about helping to move, but I am sure it will be fine. I hope. I am hoping to go see this place tomorrow, and I hope it is big enough for my stuff. And I hope I like it. Wish me luck!!!!  :Main16: :Main19:
You can say it, but then you have to say T.S. Eliot after it.

This love is silent. - T.S. Eliot

SJ

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Re: SJ--Appts, Meds, and what makes me feel better
« Reply #34 on: February 07, 2014, 03:40:52 pm »
I went to see the neurologist today. I saw him for the vibrating in my lower back, going up my spine, into my head, making me shake, my arms, my head, my hands, my back, everything. So I told him and about my right arm going numb and the muscle spasms in my stomach. he ordered an EMG for next Thursday, and says it could be the fibromyalgia, or it could be muscle tissue entering the blood, or it could be a nerve issue. He asked me if I have been injured last year, and I said yes, I fell seven times! Starting in Jan, through Sept, I keep falling! I think it was due to my meds or something, but I have not fell since. Anyways, he says we will see what the EMG says. I am not sure if I have ever gotten one of those. I might have, I had the tennis elbow surgery a few years ago like six or seven years ago. I am sure I had a test for that. He says he might also do an MRI as well. So that is what happened today with all of that. I don't usually complain about the wait, but today I had to wait over an hour! Yah! No Doubt. Anyways, I understand they are busy, and stuff happens. It was making me anxious because I knew my mom was downstairs ready to pick me up, and she had to wait for a long time.

I have not yet spoken to a lawyer about filing Chap seven, but I will. I just cannot afford to pay UNUM back the 17219 I owe. I know I should have just given it to them, but then I would have had all these bills, and I would not have been able to pay my taxes which are due, and how was I going to handle all of that it is thousands of dollars? I have he number of a guy who I think can deal with this so I will cal him. The question is does UNUM have a lien on the 17219? Or am I free to just be forgiven of it? I have no idea. I did sign that form with UNUM that stated I would pay it back if I was paid it... But if I do not have it and I file Chap 7, then it is what it is. I will find out what the dealio is.

I had a nice time with my mama today. We went to the store, to get food. Well, I got slimfast, I am trying to lose weight. And I got Snapple Peach Tea, which is super good. And I have not had it in a long time. I went to get my watches fixed as I have been putting that off, and it hardly cost me anything! Sweet! And then off to MC  Donalds. That was nice. It actually felt good to get out today, and I did not feel too anxious, except the whole time at the clinic. We went by the townhome that I want to get into that is the low income place, it is pretty neat. Mom says she likes it. I wish we could get inside to check it out. But maybe next week. I mailed out my application today, because they say it takes three weeks to file it. I think if I get it, I am moving March 30th. I don't think it is helping my depression being in this little room all the time. Being in a bigger place will be nicer. I know it costs more, but I think I can swing it, I am not sure yet. I will just have to figure it out. I sure wish that the Section 8 was not all used up right now. Darn!

I sure am happy for Dr Wight, she is so excited to be having another baby! This is so neat. I think I will be okay with the schedule change, it will take a little time, I am just not trying to think about it right now. I was pretty anxious about it last night, but I talked to my Dad and we say it is a while from now and I will have a while to talk to her about it. It will probably be ok by then. I just get anxiety so bad.

Anyways, enough of all that now. Hope everyone is having a good day! Just waiting to hear from NICK where ever you ARE! Come on BUD write me back! Hope all is well???

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You can say it, but then you have to say T.S. Eliot after it.

This love is silent. - T.S. Eliot

SJ

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Re: SJ--Appts, Meds, and what makes me feel better
« Reply #35 on: February 10, 2014, 12:24:23 pm »
On the way to see my psychiatrist who is finally back in town today. I will be so glad to talk to him about my anti psychotic med and my anti anxiety med. I am not sure either are working, and plenty of time has gone by. 3 weeks since the time change on the pysch med. The anxiety med has not worked for a long time, that is my bad for not telling him sooner. My back is not just vibrating now, it hurt so bad I was up at one this morning, and have been up since, I could hardly move, and had to do some creative moving around to get out of bed. LOL I am sure you can relate. So it felt a bit better when I got out of the shower, but I just don't even want to move, it hurts so bad. After I go see Dr Mayo, I would love to sneal in and see my Pain Dr. If I can, that would be awesome. Not sure if they will let me. I called this morning, and they have called me back. So, we will see. I started a blog, and that has been helping keep my mind occupied a bit lately, so on my good days, I can write a couple paragraphs, or write one and save it and go back to it. Then I can post it on Google plus. It took me two days how to do it, but now I know how to do it. Cool.

Hoping to get something for my back today. That will be great to be more comfortable and get some rest later. I cannot even eat it is so painful. I know you know what I am sayin. Maybe I will try the heating pad later, but the valet is coming to get me at one, so I need to be ready for them.

They guy that lives in the cabin next to me has come over and banged on my door at two in the morning three or four times now. I cannot wait to move. I am scared, but now I am kind of mad too. I am already paranoid, you know, and this just gives me so much anxiety, and I know it is real, I am not hearing it like it is not there, but I don't know what the difference is. I guess I will talk to my therapist about it. I cannot go and talk to him because if he is doing it, he is obviously a very angry person, and I am afraid of angry people. Yah, so I will talk to Dr Wight about it, we will figure it out.

I am going to try and move around March 30th. So far, I have Janine, her Husband, Missy, her husband, Staci, her fiancé, and Kevin and my parents helping move. Whew! That is everyone I know! So I am excited that everyone can help. Just need to get the app approved, and then I will be on the way. It seems like such a nice place, and it even has an attached garage! So it will be much better. Just have to find a way to afford it. It is heat paid, so that helps.

Well, got to get ready to go, hope everyone has a great day now! Hopefully I can share some good news about my back later! The EMG is not until Thursday, so I don't know what he will do today.

Have a good one!   :Main16:
You can say it, but then you have to say T.S. Eliot after it.

This love is silent. - T.S. Eliot

SJ

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Re: SJ--Appts, Meds, and what makes me feel better
« Reply #36 on: February 10, 2014, 04:00:08 pm »
Oh man. So I went to see Dr Mayo, my psychiatrist. We had a good talk. He put me on a new anxiety med, I cannot remember the name, I pick it up tomorrow. it is supposed to be a good one. Not addictive. Then I snuck into an appt with Dr Steve my pain Dr, they just double booked him. He was very fast seeing me. That was nice of him. He did a quick exam, and asked some questions, and I told him about my EMG and everything. I was shaking so much during the entire appt. He said ok I will give you muscle relaxers. So I am home now ready to eat and relax soon. Maybe watch a show or something relaxing. I am exhausted from my appts. But I didn't have to wait long at all for them either which was pretty sweet. I asked the girl at the front desk if valet can come get me tomorrow just for a trip to the pharmacy, and she said that would be fine. Sweet. I am glad they can do that. I thought it was only for appts. I think I will keep my Hydroxizine for anxiety and just throw it in the back of my drawer, just in case he puts me back on it, because it is like a full bottle of like, 500 or something. I would hate to waste, you know? and pay for a whole new one. Anyways, I will hang onto it and ask him next month what he says.

I really think writing the new blog has been helping. Not many people have read it, only like 10, but it is not about that. it is just to get it off my chest, and get it out of my head. Otherwise I will feel like I will lose it. I have done six entries so far, and I think I will try to do another tomorrow, to see if I can. It all depends how I feel. If it is a good day. I am glad I did an entry this morning, there is no way I could do one this afternoon.

Dr Mayo is not changing my nightmare meds or the psych meds right now, he does not like to change up or add things like that all at once, which is good. Yah. We played a magnet game, I forgot the name, it sounded Japanese. It was fun, but every time the magnets clicked together I jumped out of my seat. He said we didn't have to play that again. LOL

I just talked to the bankruptcy attny. I CAN file bankruptcy for the 17219 I owe the UNUM LTD. Yes!!!! SO I do not have to pay back that money, instead I will pay the lawyer 1600, but dad says I should find out if the county offers free legal aid. So, we will look into it. I have no idea about that. At least I know I can do it. This is what I have been waiting on this week. I do not have the money to pay them back at all...

Well that's it. Going to relax now, time to take it easy on my back. Hope the muscle relaxer works fast.

Later dudes!

You can say it, but then you have to say T.S. Eliot after it.

This love is silent. - T.S. Eliot

SJ

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Re: SJ--Appts, Meds, and what makes me feel better
« Reply #37 on: February 13, 2014, 09:32:27 am »
I was just on the phone with Medicaid, disputing the six dollars that they are granting me for food stamps. I was on food stamps before and making more money, and said this is not making sense to me. So she says someone entered in for January that it was the FULL amount for LTD and the FULL amount for SSDI. Which is crazy. I would have only gotten 8 days for LTD and 11 days for SSDI. SO I told her that, and she is sending it to a special dept. Very special. LOL. As long as they can fix it, and it does not affect the Medicaid part of it because I am still waiting on that part. So that is what is up this morning. I am having a killer migraine, I took my meds, a muscle relaxer for my back, a sumatriptan for my migraine, and nausea meds. OMG I cannot move. It is starting to get better. Got a few things to do this morning before my EMG this afternoon. Therapy went well yesterday. I told Dr Wight very briefly that I was a little nervous about her leaving for pregnancy leave. She says she talked to Dr Wallace about me, and she says she thinks she will be a good temp replacement as she will be gone for 12 weeks. God, that seems like forever. I see her twice a week! I really hope it goes by fast. So I can talk to her more if it still makes me anxious but honestly, I hate having to talk about it at all, I feel selfish and stupid saying that to her. Maybe I wont say anything else about it. I will just have to suck it up. I am really happy for her tho. I am. I told her that too. I would hate to have this stupid stuff overshadow that. It is just silly. It will get better. I should not mention it again.

I have started a blog online and really have been doing good at it I think. I don't have that many readers, but that is ok. Just so I can get the thoughts out of my head. They rattle around up there and I don't know what to do. I did not sleep until 1230 last night. I could not shut off the thoughts. I have been paranoid lately, like the govt is out to get me, but I have thought that for a while now. And I have been hearing voices again. They doubled my meds, and I am not so sure they want to increase it right away again. it was scary yesterday. It was loud and scary. I feel like it is a demon or something. I don't know how to get rid of them. But the meds help a lot. So that is good. So far so good today. It is a new day.

I was in group last night, and this dude started making fun of schitzos and I just looked at him, and he knows I am, and I was just like OMG what is up with you!!! He was going in full detail about this guy and then other people were laughing and I just wanted to... I don't know what. I just felt bad for that guy he was talking about, because I know what it is like. But it is real to us, to see and hear those things, and I am so sorry if someone does not understand that. That is between me and my therapist. I am not going to sit and explain it to that dude. He was out of line to do that. There was some other stuff he said as well, I don't need to get into to all that, but he is not on the top of my buddy list right now. I mean, I was sitting right next to him, and he just went into this story and he was so annoyed with the guy because he had mental issues, and it was a bother to him! But this guy said he was bipolar, so what the heck, right? I think you have to just work on yourself, and not make fun of others. And we spent too much time on that last night. I think the counselor should have stepped in. But it is fine, freedom of speech, right??

So Dr Mayo has me on a new anxiety med that seems to be a lot better than the other stuff that did not work at all, and these are just one pill twice a day, the others were way more pills. I do not remember what it is called. I will check it later and let ya know next time I update. I feel like things kept upsetting me yesterday, but today I want to try to approach it differently to try to have a better day. Dr Wight says try to think with a logical mind. I don' t know how to do that. But she is helping me. She is awesome. I do hope she has a baby boy, because little boy clothes are the cutest! And she already has a little girl. I feel like I should apologize for telling her I am nervous about her leaving. I don't know, maybe I will just leave it.

Alright, you all have a great day out there. Time for me to get ready and try to have a better one today. At least there is no group tonight. I am kind of sick of going. But it sometimes helps, so whatev.

 
You can say it, but then you have to say T.S. Eliot after it.

This love is silent. - T.S. Eliot

SJ

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Re: SJ--Appts, Meds, and what makes me feel better
« Reply #38 on: February 14, 2014, 08:36:54 am »
Hello!

I did the EMG yesterday, and I did not like one bit! the first part, the little thing zaps you in different places, and the second part, the Dr sticks you with a needle! No thank you. So glad it is over, no nerve damage, but he said it is either related to the Restless Leg, or arthritis in my back. So he is handing it to my pain dr, Dr Steve, and I need to make an apt with him now. So not sure what Dr Steve can do, to staop the pain and the vibration, I saw him this week for the pain, and the muscle relaxers are not really doing much. I will have to just express that in my next appt.

My meds change are crazy, I am so out of it by the end of the day, it is crazy. I have been going to bed around 6 or so, I cannot keep my eyes open. I will maybe just call and leave my Dr a mes. Maybe I just need to get used to the new med.

I am leaving the cabin today, I am quite anxious, as I left yesterday to do the EMG and I was shaking the entire time for that, and today Mom is coming to get me, so we can go to Walmart for food and such.  Hopefully I can get it together so I feel well enough to go. I would like to, so I hope I can feel better soon. it was just another long night, and I threw up in the middle of the night, almost on the bed, thank goodness I didn't. But I am really sore this morning from all that, and just pretty  slow. I just have been so paranoid, just not sure it is safe to go outside. If I mention it to mom, she gets mad. So this is something I have to work through on my own. Dr Wight says I should keep them informed on stuff, but when I tell her, she always get so mad. It makes me just feel bad and I don't want to tell her stuff. I feel like I did something bad. She has always been angry. Anyways. I will do the best I can, because I want to get out and about, not just sit here all day, I will feel bad if I cancel. It will be a few days before I get to go again, to see Dr Wight on Tuesday. Yah.

I should line up some movies or something. I just wish I could concentrate on them. But I will try harder now. I should at least pick one, and put it in, and if I have to pause it, then at least I had started it. it is better than giving up and not doing it at all. It has been a very long time since not watching one, and that is my main thing, watching dvds. I enjoy that most. but that is the depression, losing interest. We all have that one thing that we love to do. The new thing that I started was a blog, and I seem to like that, so I am going to do that as much as my attention can hold. It is nice because you don't have to write a lot, and you can write whatever you want.

Well, better get ready now, don't want to keep mom waiting. Take care now!
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This love is silent. - T.S. Eliot

SJ

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Re: SJ--Appts, Meds, and what makes me feel better
« Reply #39 on: February 17, 2014, 02:59:11 am »
Wow. So this must be what, the eighth or ninth night, I don't know anymore, that I have either slept two hours or no hours. I guess I know it is Bipolar mania high. I try to stay in bed, but I am so restless, I have racing thoughts, and cannot stop, I have to get up and start doing stuff, usually go online and search random stuff. Or check Twitter, anything to take up time, the nights are so long without anyone to talk to, everyone is asleep. This no sleeping has not helped at all with seeing and hearing things. I am so jumpy and anxious all day. I went to mom's today, and she seemed upset all day. I was talking very fast all day, like as soon as thoughts came to me, I was running to get them out, and jumping from one to the other, and talking loud. I was combative with Dad, as he was talking to me about the bankruptcy, he does not want me to do it, and the taxes, I think it did it wrong, he thinks he should have done it for me. So now we have to do an amended return because I screwed up. So he was like, I don't know, it felt like I was a little kid who did something wrong. I was telling my therapist, if it has to do with money or big decisions, they have been pretty much taking care of it. I really thought I knew what I was doing with the taxes. I will never do it by myself again. I thought you just enter what the form says. I guess not. Anyways. With the amended form, I should be getting money back, so that is good! Dad is helping me Wed with the rest of this stuff we did not cover today, as I did not bring all the right papers. I would love to watch movies or anything, but these cabins are one tiny little building, and two cabins together, and the adjoining wall spe the cabins is very thing. I mean, I will play music on my iPad at night, and I feel like he can hear it. But I get paranoid too. I do use my head phones a lot, as I do not want to wake him and make him angry. I do not know who it is knocking on my door at 2am, but if it is him, I really do not want to do anything to upset him. I am looking forward to moving.

I should leave a message for Dr Mayo this morning, and just let him know I have not been sleeping at all, and perhaps he can do something. I dunno. Maybe he can just adjust something, or give me something to sleep. That would work. I have never taken anything to sleep before. But if this keeps going on, I will have the mice in my bed again and bats flying around the room again, and end up in the psych ward in the city, and I really cannot afford that. I really need Medicaid to come through first. Oh yeah, I should hear about that any day now, but for sure by the 21st. Just a few more days. They have all of my info. They goofed on something, so I called them to correct it, and they say a special dept will be correcting it. So it will be happening this well. I am calling today to make sure that was taken care of. because they make a typo and said that I made 3500 in January, and I made 900 in Jan. I told them and explained that. So she says she will fix it. Geez! If I make that much money, I would be doing pretty well! But yeah, I would not get it because I would be over the limits so I need them to correct their mistake. And, they go back 3 months to cover my bills for Feb Jan and Dec. Cool. Im glad, cuz I have a ton of copays that are due. Yah.

Dr Mayo put me on this new anxiety med, which is working better than the Hydroxyzine, it makes me pretty tired and thirsty. But the panic attack itself makes me exhausted as well. I just feel spent afterwards. Then I just want to lay down, you know? I am not sure why the old med doesn't work, they increased it and everything, it just stopped working. Perhaps I just got used to it. I like this new one, you only have to take one pill. That is a relief. It seems to work faster too. The old one never seemed to work at all, like I was taking nothing. I have just been having a lot of anxiety attacks, so it is nice to have something that works.

So I go to see Dr Steve my pain Dr today, and he is going to check my back out. It is either arthritis or something connected to the RLS. So Dr Bedi says Steve will take care of me now, that he doesn't need to do anything else. The RLS med is not cutting it. I take it half way through the day, and then I take the second one later, and by the time I go to bed, it starts. And I am getting it in my arms. It is just awful. But this is the best one to take I guess. Maybe they can tell me a different time to take it. But if I am not taking it early enough, the RL starts already in the day time. So I have to catch it by noon or it starts. I hate this RLS! There I said it. LOL. But it helps to get up and walk around. That is all I can do, and I stomp my feet on floor. But I cannot do that here, or my neighbor would have a fit! What I have been doing, and my dad gets so upset, is I punch my legs really hard. It doesn't hurt and it makes it go away faster. Dad gets upset, he says please do not do that. I know, it probably looks bad, but I have to make it stop.

Dad says I should think about waiting it out before filing bankruptcy. I told him UNUM is giving me until March 4, and he said, fine, let's see what they will do then. OK, that makes me nervous. But I trust Dad, he knows how this goes. I will tell UNUM I will pay 25 a month, if they really say abs not, then I will have to file. Sounds pretty cut and dry. I am not worried about filing. I don't have any debt except for this what I owe UNUM.

My memory has been getting pretty bad on me. Like the past few nights, I don't remember any thing. I will mention it to Dr Mayo. It is prob the meds. I am on a lot of meds. Or lack of sleep. So hopefully I will be able to talk with him soon today. I will call this morning. I have a few calls to make. I will make a list right now so I do not forget. Sorry, I am just flying around in my mind.

OK talk soon then!
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This love is silent. - T.S. Eliot

SJ

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Re: SJ--Appts, Meds, and what makes me feel better
« Reply #40 on: February 18, 2014, 04:39:36 am »
SO I got up yesterday morning, to get ready to see the pain Dr and psychiatrist, and was in so much pain in my back and hips, I could hardly walk. I was so dizzy, I kept feeling like I was going to pass out. I keep ahold of the wall and door handle to make it into the bathroom to shower and get ready. That was worse after, I felt more weak. The valet picked me up, and I needed help getting in the van. They took me down there early, and I was put into the wheelchair. I saw my psychiatrist first. I told him about my mania. First thing he did was quit the anxiety med, which I was not so crazy about, as I have been having a lot of panic attacks. Then, he increased the anti-psychotic Geodon. So it is up to 240 a day. He wants me to split it up to take some in am some in pm, so hopefully it will help with anxiety and sleep. It is 4am, I have been up since ten. But it takes a while for new doses to work. Then I saw Dr Steve my pain Dr, and he gave me pain meds, and he ordered an MRI for this Thursday. He says that should tell us what is going on. My last one was probably three or four years ago. Don't remember what for. Maybe something with my back. Anyways... I would like to know what is going on, this is killing. So, the one pain med was ten bucks, the other was 134 bucks! Oh come ON, what am I supposed to do??? So I had to take it out of my back pay, which I do not have much left. I pick that up today. I did not have the cash with me yesterday for the big one. So they are Oxycodone and Oxycontin, I believe I have been on those before, something to do with my back I think. I really have the worst memory.

SO I get to see Dr Wight today, it will be nice to talk with her. I only get to talk with her once this week, bummer! But twice next week, back on the schedule. I do not like change in my routine, so it will be a bit off for this week. I am sure there are going to be days where she cannot be there for Dr appts and baby classes and stuff like that. Plus she might have morning sickness and stuff. I have no clue, I really have no idea what she is going through. LOL. So far she seems to be doing great!! This is her second, so now she is a pro! She has me doing a journal each week, and I feel bad because I wrote a lot this week, and I hope she does not mind reading a novel. LOL. There was just a lot going on, and sometimes I get there, and forget about everything, and so it is important to mark down the stuff that we need to cover.

I did call the lady who is in charge of the low income homes in town, they are like town homes? And so she should be calling today that is what the lady said who emailed me. They are working on my app. I do hope I can move in there, as I am sure all my stuff will fit, and then I can go through everything, and start putting stuff in my moms garage sale. It will take me a while to do it, a box at a time, but I will have time to do it. The sale is not until 4th of July. Ma says she can come over and take a few boxes every couple days. Should be ready in no time. Hopefully this back thing will be ok so I can do that stuff. I have no idea, if not, Ma can come help. She is very excited that I am getting rid of stuff. She says, you do not need all that stuff. Ha ha. She grew up very poor. But you know, ten years ago, I had absolutely nothing. Then I got this nice job out here and started completely over, and had this nice chance to build a life for myself, and worked for a while, until I started to go downhill again. My boss was very understanding, but at the end, they said, there is only so much they can excuse. They put me on medical leave after my nervous breakdown at work, and while I was at home, they fired me. But during those years, I was able to buy a bunch of stuff to fill the house I was renting. So, now I have to scale back to fill a smaller space. Anyways...

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This love is silent. - T.S. Eliot

SJ

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Re: SJ--Appts, Meds, and what makes me feel better
« Reply #41 on: February 18, 2014, 08:02:34 pm »
Well, here is the 11th night. I tried to crash early, I was tired, and I went to go to bed, I fell asleep for maybe and hour and a half? I woke straight up, I looked at my phone, and it says six, I was so excited because I slept the entire night. No. It was six pm. Dang it. Well now, I feel well rested again, like I do not need anymore sleep anymore tonight. SO I will stay up and watch some shows on Hulu or whatever. I want to catch up on my Kardashians show. Don't laugh! Ha ha! I love that show. I know I know. They seem like such a close family. The pain pills are making me very sleepy, for a little while, and then I am awake again. Nothing seems to keep me down from this manic episode. I had a nice session with Dr Wight my therapist today. She is pretty awesome. We did talk about her leaving maternity. I just said I am sorry, I feel selfish to say anything, and I wish I would not have brought it up, but I am just used to my routine, and It makes me anxious to change my schedule. Plus it is such a long time to not be able to talk to her. So she just reassured me it will be ok, and she will be back in 12 weeks. But she is not leaving until July, so we have plenty of time. Ugh!

So I talked with Dr Mayo my psychiatrist, and he took me off my anxiety med, he says I should need it because he increased the anti psychotic. I will have to see how it goes. I know I have been a mess and have been having a lot of panic attacks. I have just been in a circle of them. And it makes me anxious not being able to take the anxiety med. But I will see what happens. I do trust him so I am sure he is right about this. He is the Dr. He is the one that knows best. All I know is the new anxiety med was working, and it is a bum deal that I cannot use it. He says I cannot use it because we increased the Geodon, you cannot have both. So that is fine. I have been hearing voices again. And felt like bugs were crawling on me for hours. I feel like my neighbor is going to kill me. I told Dr Wight about this, so she told me about each one and we talked about everything logically. I cannot think logically, but she is trying to teach me.

Dad was upset because I messed up doing the taxes. But I will have a bunch of money coming back. I accidentally did it wrong. I was just doing what H and R told me to do online. I thought I was doing it right. He was upset that he did not get to help before I just did it. It would help if I file bankruptcy. Although Dad thinks I shouldn't file.

I called Medicaid again today, but still no answer. I will call again tomorrow. I just need them to fix the Jan mistake so I can get approved. Now, they are saying they do not have the letter my Ma wrote and signed. I actually handed that to the lady, at the local office, and I am upset now, because they added online that I need to submit that info. I already gave them that!!! I am supposed to hear the results by the 21st. If they do not get it together I will just be denied. That sucks. I cannot afford this Obama Care anymore. So, I will make sure they scan moms letter again, and make sure that special dept processes that mistake before Friday. I may just go in early to the office down there today to talk to the lady. No doubt. It is all really quite frustrating. The letter is from Ma stating that I worked two hours a month in exchange for food, that I babysit the dog. So they are saying all this stuff about employer pay stub or something. I need to call them and tell them, no, it is just like the letter states, and the form I filled out, I am doing the other program, because I cannot work. I can do something for Ma, like babysit the dog. So we agreed on that. But I explained to the lady Im on SSDI and cannot work. So I filled out a specific form  for doing work in exchange for food or non money things. You only have to work a min of one hour a month, a min of 10 dollars an hour equilivant. So I said that I got 20 dollars worth of food. Ma is always taking me to Walmart. I probably got more than that between Ma and Pappy, but specifically for babysitting that is what I get.

Anyhoo. So weird. Feels like midnight. Take care.  :Main16:
« Last Edit: February 18, 2014, 08:15:21 pm by Just Me »
You can say it, but then you have to say T.S. Eliot after it.

This love is silent. - T.S. Eliot

SJ

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Re: SJ--Appts, Meds, and what makes me feel better
« Reply #42 on: February 19, 2014, 08:19:11 am »
Yaaaaaah, so sorry for writing in a dollar amount. However, I have seen a heck of a lot of people do it, so if I am going to be edited for something so petty as this, it really does not matter at all, then you do have a lot of work to do, you should get to it. But I am sure this will be edited too.

I am done. Good Bye.
You can say it, but then you have to say T.S. Eliot after it.

This love is silent. - T.S. Eliot